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w12.27.2004 oh my.. jenni's posting--> but only for Greg.. who else even reads this? so the past couple of days i've been pretty weepy, depressed, down, content. who knows. Anyways, so i've written some poetry. It's pretty crazy how one tiny, stupid incident can multiply and overcome a person. wtheck! it won't format correctly. it takes out all my indents and structure. :o(. sorry, it's not the same. My Own Doorstep by Jenni (no longer using my alias) 12/26/04 Frenzied lashes batting together hoping for imperceptible tears, fluttering madly, wishing the wasted effort was to charm a prince. He who would embrace her tears away. But, there is yet no fairy tale - happily ever after- a prayer. It is with my own hand that the tears are cursed away. But, the they escape and no shoulder to shield my lids, No gentle-fortified embrace. They all left-- or never were. A non-existant reality hooked on my elbow. Through the halls there is no thought Until she cries. And she turns to find Stability, but she is only dancing with herself. Restraining with but a small laugh- Play Pretend and take a seat of cold brass. She watches. The dancers sway- strangers. but her heart murmers a broken tune, accented with a weeping violin, and inaudible sighs in minor keys. And she whispers inside- because her Father will listen- but he is void of the arm to extend. And she wonders where they've all gone; - no one to wonder about her. She is left on her own doorstep. Though unreachable, her shoulder is the only one. See by Jenni 12/26/04 It is no phenomena that I can be my own destruction. I may know myself second best, but I can not always see what they tell me. Sometimes I am aware of only the coal. But if a diamond I am, then it is the imperfections that become magnified under the looking glass. It is not rare that I see the gem, but, it is when I lose sight that I wonder why- A few unanswered questions that scratch the surface. I am blinded to see. He Left That Little Girl by Jenni 12/26/04 He wished for a high school graduation still years ahead. To watch the little girl become a women, as he was there from infant to girl. He wanted to hold her hand and teach her to fly- to give a lead to her dreams. That little girl was like unto his own, - but nothing more than a kid-daughter. And he needed her. And the little girl has been trying without him. But the seed wants to blossom without the bud. And she wishes he could hold her hand -to tuck her in with a butterfly kiss -a night time story and prayer -with the hope of a dream-chasing tomorrow. But daylight came cloudy, and he won't be there when she leaves. And he won't be there to watch her down the aisle- because he left that little girl dreaming for his relief- but she will never say goodbye. So those are just some poems. btw, everything that has happened from the last post until now.. i'm not going to post because i'm lazy, don't want to, and you can ask. posted by >>jenni at 1:07 PM w8.05.2004 i wonder if parallel universes exist... or if our 'future' is alive all around, each moment alive, yet coarsing to the next, the past, present, and future happening all at once. That doesn't even make sense, but i know what i mean. I wish i culd see my future sometimes... or which way i should go, which path i should follow. I wish i knew what to do with utmost certainty. I wish i culd get these silly thoughts out of my head too. But, if i knew my future, then it'd be too easy, or would it? It's ruin the surprise i guess... but i don't know. oh well.... posted by >>jenni at 7:08 PM w7.10.2004 Train "Ordinary" Whose eyes am I behind I don’t recognize anything that I see Whose skin is this design I don’t want this to be the way that you see me I don’t understand anything anymore In this world that I’m tired of Is taking me right up these walls That I climb up To get to your story It’s anything but ordinary And when the world is on its knees with me its fine And when I come to the rescue I get nothing but left behind Everybody seems to be getting what they need, where's mine ‘Cause your what I need so very but im anything but ordinary Can you save me from this world of mine Before I get myself arrested with this expectation You are the one look what you’ve done What have you done? This is not some kind of joke You’re just a kid You weren’t ready for what you did And when the world is on its knees with me its fine And when I come to the rescue I do it for you time after time Everybody seems to be getting what they need, where's mine ‘Cause you what I need so very but im anything but ordinary I think im trying to save the world for you You’ve been saving me too We could just stay in and save each other Im anything but ordinary (ordinary) Im anything but ordinary (ordinary) posted by >>jenni at 8:26 PM w om flippen. why is my mom so freaking psycho? Good gosh, you can't protect me from anything so shut up and leave me alone. you need to learn how to trust me and not just say you do. I'm freaking tired of it. Melissa, why are our mother's so psychotic? or parents.. or wutever? I'm really getting tired of it. You know, that song... i think it's by the offspring.. or maybe not, cuz i can't find it. BUt anyways, there's a line in there that says something like 'and parents who raise kids that raise themselves.' I have been raising myself for a long time now, so get over it. Just had to blow off some steam. posted by >>jenni at 9:10 AM w7.07.2004 ! You are most Like A Sapphire ! Dark, mysterious - but unforgettable. You have a deep beauty. Delicate, and shy you try to stay away from the limelight but often your intelligence puts you in at the deep end. You're like a Sapphire, because, your beauty is priceless. You're intelligent, full of opinions, and not big-headed about it all. Sometimes you need to put yourself out there, as you can be a bit shy. Congratulations ... You're the mysterious gem everybody wants to have and learn more about. ?? Which Precious Gem Are You ?? brought to you by Quizilla hmm... i'm not ALWAYS shy..and i enjoy attention.. so it's onlee partially correct. so what do you all think? posted by >>jenni at 10:45 PM w wow, this makes me feel boring. haha. well wutever. haha. I personally like space mtn the best.. that ride is so amazingly awesome when you just let yourself go-- and no, i don't meant puking over the side of the car -.^ The Mark Twain: A leisurely paddle steamboat navigating the Rivers of America in the 19th Century! A venerable Disneyland institution, you date to opening day in 1955 and respresent stablity, tradition, and a healthy dose of Americana. You never make your passengers seasick (in part due to the fact that you role along your secret underwater track) and always offer some great panoramic views of a Frontier mining town, New Orleans, and back woods glimpses of wildlife and injuns straight out of a Samuel Clemens tale! Small children and old folks like you best, but that doesn't mean you don't know how to get out and enjoy the nightlife, you play "Steamboat Willie" in the nightly production of the Fantasmic! Spectacular. Just one question, just how is that you are always managing to be headed "down river"? What Disneyland attraction are you? brought to you by Quizilla posted by >>jenni at 6:54 PM w so, apparently everything's good and okay- atleast for right now. Jeff'll be back late tonite, and i can't wait untili get to see him tomorrow. I want to throw my arms around him so bad... i wonder if i just imagine everything tho. anyways, so today i went to the chiropractor again- this time for my knees. hmm... apparently, the outer side(quad) of my right leg is more developed than the inside, or my left leg, which is causing extra tension to develop and making my knee hurt/bother me. heh. i'm just weird haha. so i guess i gotta work on that. Except, i think i make it worse when i run, becuz i think i run lopsided? or something? how do i fix that without falling off the treadmill? boo. anyways, now i'm all paranoid that i'm gonna get out of alignment and that my knees are gonna be even worse- cuz like.. i sleep sideways in bed (like diagonally) and i guess i don't sit straight either. wow, i'm just one big jenni of unbalanced problems lol. someone make me better :oD i tried to go to meet people at church to go to the temple today, and i told them i culdn't go on sunday cuz i get off work at 4 (they were gonna meet at 4) and they said that i shuld meet at the church, that someone'd be there... and no one was there. I tried just about every door-all locked. so i went home. how sad. I was looking forward to it... dip it low/ bring it up slow/ roll it all around/ poke it out like your back broke. posted by >>jenni at 6:10 PM w6.29.2004 This song forms some of wut i've been feeling. How sad. Breaking the Habit -Linkin Park Memories consume Like opening the wound I'm picking me apart again You all assume I'm safer in my room Unless I try to start again I don't want to be the one Who battles always choose Cuz inside I realize That I'm the one confused I don't know what's worth fighting for Or why I have to scream I don't know why I instigate And say what I don't mean I don't know how I got this way I know it's not alright So I'm breaking the habit I'm breaking the habit tonight Cultured my cure I tightly lock the door I try to catch my breath again I hurt much more Than anytime before I have no options left again I dont want to be the one Who battles always choose Cuz inside I realize That I'm the one confused I don't know what's worth fighting for Or why I have to scream I don't know why I instigate And say what I don't mean I don't know how I got this way I'll never be alright So, I'm breaking the habit I'm breaking the habit tonight I'll paint it on the walls Cuz I'm the one that falls I'll never fight again And this is how it ends I don't know what's worth fighting for Or why I have to scream But now I have some clarity to show you what I mean I don't know how I got this way I'll never be alright So, I'm breaking the habit I'm breaking the habit I'm breaking the habit tonight posted by >>jenni at 6:56 PM w6.25.2004 Here's a poem my friend wrote. Thot it to be both accurate and funny. Enjoy! and don't forget to bring the popcorn. Creed of the Cognizant by Robert my life is a vacation from indoctrination, despite the fact that its spent in a nation built by ignorant statesmen, who know little about verification or rational consideration, men who are troubled by constipation, the only thing they push for rather than intellectual deliberation, while they frown upon the vilification of their presidential patrons who oppress their freedoms while they watch fox news instead of listening to accurate information which isn't to be found during the duration of the factor a show produced by noxious actors, a true disaster, that in this century the media might still be after, reinforcing religious chapters, stories which tell of rapture, imaginations the only willing contractor, but no simple rhyme could truly capture, the miasmic actuality of that fairty-tale's decadent pasteur, so let my blashpemy fade hereafter. posted by >>jenni at 6:53 PM w6.21.2004 jenni i love you. and when you think no one understands, i do. i think it might very well be a misunderstanding through cultural translation.. because my mom's the same way. everything i want to try its like the message i get from her is.. "why try? you won't succeed." i know how hard it is to be shot down. and i have the exact same thoughts about "making a speech". i always wonder.. what would i really say about my mom? thanks for nagging and discouraging me? honestly i feel like the perfect model child. sometimes i just want to ask my mom what more she wants from me. i want to take her to the streets and show her how i really am a good kid. i dont go out or hang out. i dont do anything she doesn't want me to for the most part. i study and i do good at school. and my mom tells me that if she could turn back time she would have never had me. and if i had a boyfriend she would beat the shit out of me. you know that saying "sticks and stones will break my bones, but words will never hurt me"? well i've always thought that was false. extremely false. words are very powerful and people just don't know the weight of their words. they really do hurt people. and its good you've only thought about suicide once. well i'm not saying its good that you've even thought about it.. but it almost is always a lingering thought on my mind. but even when i'm depressed i'm pretty frikkin good at hiding it. i've been so close. and i've never told anyone. but i dont think i'm strong enough to go through with it. you know.. i even told my dad that i was going to kill myself. he told me i was stupid for saying that.. and i believe him. but sometimes it just seems so much better to take the easy way out. but i believe in you. i know what you're like. i know you're a great kid. and someday you'll be a great parent. because after all these years, you've remained a true friend. people love you! i love you. and i'll always be here for you. sorry i just invaded your blog. but i really wanted to tell you these things and i'm afraid its too late to call you. <3 my sister. ---melissa posted by MissY at 11:22 PM